The Abuse Double Bind

You’re wrong if you don’t - and fake if you do.

You know this one.

You get told off for not doing something:
You didn’t put kisses on your message.
You didn’t sound warm enough.
You didn’t ask how their day was.

So next time, you do.
You overthink it. You make sure it ticks all the boxes. You try harder.

And then?
You’re told it felt forced.
That it wasn’t genuine.
That now it’s a performance.

So which is it?

The truth is, it was never about the message. Or the kisses. Or the tone.
It’s about control.

This Is the Double Bind

You’re told you’ve failed in some emotional way. You didn’t show enough care.
So you adjust. You show more care.

But now that’s a problem too. Because it’s “too much.”
Or “you’re just doing it so I won’t get upset.”
Or “I want you to want to.”

You’re not allowed to get it right.
Because getting it right would remove the abuser’s leverage.

So the rules change. Constantly.
The bar moves.
And no matter how you respond, you're made to feel like the problem.

That’s not love. That’s control wrapped in emotional confusion.

Why This Keeps You Stuck

It’s hard to leave when you’re still trying to fix it.
When you think maybe, just maybe, there’s a perfect version of you that will finally make them happy.

But that version doesn’t exist.

Because it’s not about who you are.
It’s about their need to keep you unsure, unsteady, and always chasing approval.

If This Feels Familiar

Start paying attention to how often you feel like you’re failing—even when you’re trying your hardest.
Notice how much energy you spend interpreting moods, wording messages, replaying conversations.

That’s not just anxiety. That’s conditioning.

And you don’t owe anyone endless emotional acrobatics just to keep the peace.

You’re Not the Problem

You’re not too cold.
You’re not too distant.
You’re not “bad at communication.”

You’re stuck in a setup where the goal is always out of reach.
That’s the bind. And once you see it, you can step out of it.

Because you were never meant to win at a game designed for you to lose.

If You’re Tired, This Might Be Why

It’s exhausting, isn’t it?
Trying to read someone’s mind.
Trying to guess which version of yourself will be acceptable today.

You start to lose your sense of what’s real—what you actually feel, what you meant to say, what your intentions were.

If you’ve been living in that double bind, it’s not your fault you’re worn out.
You’ve been navigating a shifting maze designed to keep you off balance.

You don’t need to work harder to be understood.
You need space to exist without being picked apart.