When Forgive and Forget is Toxic

Finding Healing on Your Terms

Forgive and forget.

We’ve all heard it, right?

It’s one of those little phrases people toss out like it’s the magic pill for healing from hurt.

But here’s the truth: this kind of “advice” can be more harmful than helpful, especially when you've been hurt deeply.

When it comes to betrayal or serious emotional wounds, forgiving and forgetting isn’t just impractical—it’s toxic.

So, let’s talk about what healing really looks like when we stop buying into this outdated idea and start doing it on our own terms.

Why “Forgive and Forget” Can Be Toxic

First off, let’s break down what forgiving and forgetting actually demands.

“Forgive” might sound nice and altruistic, but “forget”? That’s a different story.

Forgetting means pretending the pain isn’t there. It means dismissing your own hurt, sweeping it under the rug, and maybe even inviting more hurt into your life.

When you try to force yourself to move on without processing your feelings, you end up burying them—and buried feelings have a way of resurfacing, often at the worst times.

Forgiveness, too, can feel like a weapon wielded by people who don’t fully understand your experience.

They might say things like “It’s time to move on” or “Holding a grudge only hurts you.”

But what they’re really saying is that your pain makes them uncomfortable, that they need you to stop feeling it so they don’t have to witness it.

True healing can’t happen under this kind of pressure.

It requires space, time, and freedom to move through every messy feeling without a clock ticking.

And here’s a truth that took me a long time to grasp: real strength isn’t about forgiving quickly or easily.

It’s about honoring your emotions, even the ugly, complicated ones, and letting yourself heal fully before you think about forgiving anyone else.

Redefining Forgiveness on Your Terms

Forgiveness is a deeply personal choice, and contrary to popular belief, it doesn’t have to mean reconciling or forgetting.

For some, forgiveness might look like accepting the hurt happened, acknowledging it without erasing it.

For others, it might mean distancing themselves from the person who caused the pain without ever “forgiving” in the traditional sense.

Here’s another thing that often gets overlooked: forgiving someone doesn’t mean you’re excusing their behavior.

Too often, people push forgiveness as though it absolves the person who hurt you.

But forgiveness on *your* terms means holding people accountable for what they did, even if you’ve chosen to forgive them in your heart.

You can forgive while still expecting and demanding respect, honesty, and accountability going forward.

The timeline for this?

Completely yours.

There’s no clock, no deadline to make peace with what happened.

Anyone who tells you otherwise doesn’t have a clue what healing really involves.

Alternatives to “Forgive and Forget” for True Healing

Let’s get real here: sometimes, forgiving someone just isn’t possible.

And you know what? That’s okay.

Healing doesn’t have to mean forgiveness—it can mean acceptance.

Acceptance is simply acknowledging what happened without needing to forgive, move on, or gloss over the hurt.

It’s the ability to look at what happened, recognize the impact it had on you, and move forward with clarity about your boundaries.

Speaking of boundaries, these are your new best friends.

Setting boundaries is the most powerful thing you can do to protect your mental and emotional health after a betrayal.

Boundaries remind you that your worth isn’t tied to anyone else’s approval.

They keep you safe from the people who didn’t value your trust the first time around and from those who try to guilt you into forgiveness.

While you’re at it, lean into self-care and support networks.

Healing isn’t something you have to do alone, and sometimes, the strongest thing you can do is reach out.

Self-care can be anything that makes you feel whole again—therapy, time with supportive friends, solo hobbies, or just embracing silence and rest.

Instead of forgiving to appease others, focus on nurturing yourself to rebuild.

Reclaiming Control of Your Healing Journey

When you refuse to be boxed in by “forgive and forget,” you take back control of your healing journey.

This means owning your narrative.

It means rejecting the societal expectation to forgive and crafting your story on your terms.

You’re the one who decides how much space and grace you’ll give to the people in your life.

Part of reclaiming control is learning to trust yourself again.

Betrayal shakes your confidence in others, sure—but it can also leave you questioning yourself.

One of the most vital parts of healing is rebuilding that self-trust, reminding yourself that your instincts are there to protect you, that you have the resilience to get through this.

Let every step in your healing journey reinforce that strength, reminding you of your power.

And here’s a little secret: progress doesn’t have to look like some big “aha!” moment.

Healing is a series of small wins, tiny steps that add up.

Each time you stand up for yourself, set a boundary, or simply get through a tough day, you’re moving forward.

Healing on Your Terms, Not Society’s

So here’s the takeaway: healing isn’t about forgiveness; it’s about peace.

True peace comes from honoring your needs, setting your own pace, and not letting anyone rush or guilt you into premature forgiveness.

It’s a journey of learning, setting boundaries, and finding self-compassion.

Forget what society expects.

Healing isn’t about appeasing others; it’s about reclaiming your own story, your own way.

And it’s about knowing that, in the end, you deserve a life free from anyone else’s expectations.

That life? It’s yours for the taking.