When One Partner Unilaterally Changes Relationship Rules for Their Own Selfish Wants
Coping with Infidelity in a Long Marriage
Infidelity in a long-term marriage can be a trust bombshell for any partner.
When a spouse decides to have an affair and keeps it hush-hush, planning to ditch their partner once the kids are off their hands, the fallout is massive.
This article delves into the impact of such one-sided decisions, the emotional rollercoaster, and how to pick up the pieces and move on.
The Reality of Unilateral Changes
Unilateral changes in a relationship happen when one partner decides monogamy isn't for them anymore and starts acting like they're single.
When a spouse opts for an affair, they rewrite the relationship playbook to suit their own selfish game plan.
This betrayal doesn’t just break hearts—it takes a sledgehammer to the foundation of the marriage.
The Signs of a Shift in The Relationship
There are many signs of affairs that are obvious in hindsight but not so easy to spot at the time.
In my case, he turned into Mr. Argumentative and Demanding. I guess he had to spin the tale of me being the wicked wife to justify his affair and less-than-stellar behavior.
I wasn't a perfect wife, but I loved him and did my best.
He wove a web of lies about me to play the victim because, let's face it, cheating on a compliant, supportive, and loving wife would make him a real villain.
So, to protect his ego, he constructed the narrative in his mind that I was awful and that he deserved to seek a little happiness elsewhere.
(In another woman's vagina, obviously.)
The Emotional Toll
Discovering infidelity after a long marriage can hit like a plot twist in a bad soap opera.
Suddenly, one partner is playing hide-and-seek with their affection, while the other is left wondering if they missed a memo.
This emotional juggling act often leaves the neglected partner feeling like they've been voted off the island, leading to feelings of isolation and deep emotional turbulence.
My husband was giving away tokens of his companionship, attention, and care to another woman while leaving me drowning without it.
Why Do Partners Make These Changes?
Understanding the reasons behind these selfish shifts can provide some clarity. Often, these changes stem from:
Selfish desires and "unmet needs": One partner may seek to fulfill personal desires or needs that they feel are not being met within the marriage. Often, the betrayed spouse only finds out about these "unmet needs" when the affair comes to light. Color me cynical!
Seeking validation and excitement elsewhere: They might crave new experiences or validation from others, leading them to invest time and energy outside the marriage.
Avoidance of confronting relationship issues: Instead of addressing problems within the marriage, some choose to escape and find solace in shiny, new interactions.
Strategic planning: My husband used me as a nanny, PA, dogwalker, housekeeper, cook, personal shopper, interior designer, project manager, and gardener - all while planning to discard me as soon as the children finished school. It was premeditated and calculated to avoid paying child support. He stole four years of my precious life while setting up his soft landing.
Coping with the Betrayal
Coping with the betrayal of infidelity requires acknowledging and accepting your feelings. It’s important to:
Acknowledge and accept your feelings: Recognize the hurt, anger, and sadness you feel. These emotions are valid and need to be processed. Suppressing them just causes problems when they bubble up to the surface. Ask me how I know?!
Seek support from friends, family, or a therapist: Don’t hesitate to reach out to your support network. Talking to a therapist can also provide a safe space to explore your feelings and gain perspective.
Take control: Decide the direction of your relationship without waiting for your wayward spouse. They'll often stall, opting to "take some time to decide what they want." This means they want to keep you on the hook while they see if their relationship with the affair partner is viable after the fallout of discovery. They're hedging their bets. If it's not a definite yes from them, consider it a no. Never allow someone the chance to reject you twice.
Protect your assets: Secure evidence of the affair, protect your finances, consult a lawyer, and take steps to protect your financial future. Make sure you understand your full financial position as a couple. Prevent your wayward spouse from moving cash or investments out of your reach or making major purchases to waste marital money.
Rebuilding or Moving On
Deciding whether to rebuild the relationship or move on is a critical step. Open communication is essential.
Often, a cheating spouse will try to justify their poor treatment of you. If they try to shift any of the blame, they are not taking accountability for their actions and are not a safe partner to reconcile with.
Unless they take full responsibility for their actions, make amends, actively work on rebuilding trust (and sign a postnup giving you everything!), it will be best to move on.
Rebuilding: If both partners are committed to rebuilding the relationship, it will require effort from both sides. This includes open communication, honesty, and setting boundaries that respect each other's needs. Be aware that to heal from infidelity can take 2-5 years.
Moving On: Sometimes, the betrayal is too great, and moving on is the healthiest option. This can be a difficult decision, but remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and love in any relationship. Betrayal trauma recovery is often way quicker if you separate.
Prioritize YOUR Well-Being: No matter what decision you make, it is crucial to prioritize YOUR well-being. This may include taking time for self-care, seeking therapy or counseling, and building a support network of trusted friends and family.
In my case, the infidelity lasted four years.
My husband lied to me daily, relied on me to manage everything at home while he was living a double life, and then had the audacity to claim it was my fault for “not supporting him enough.”
Moving on was the only option for me in this scenario.
He gave me nothing to work with.
I had to prioritize my well-being and remove myself from a toxic and damaging situation.
It wasn't easy, but ultimately, it was the best decision for my mental and emotional health, and I'm in a much better place now.
Learning From the Experience
While infidelity can be devastating, for me, it was a new beginning and a chance to start over.
My life is unrecognizable from where I was two years ago. I moved to a new house in a new area, I have a new job, and I have made new friends.
But most importantly, I have learned valuable lessons from my experience.
In the last years of our marriage, I tried to give my husband the benefit of the doubt and kept making my needs smaller and smaller to try to fix our relationship.
But as I did that, he just became more entitled and treated me worse.
I won't ever put somebody else's wants above my own needs again.
Moving Forward
Moving forward after experiencing betrayal and infidelity can be difficult, but it is possible.
It takes time, self-reflection, and often the help of therapy or counseling.
Know that if someone has lied and deceived you, it's not a reflection of your worth; it's a reflection of their character.
If your partner unilaterally changed the rules of your relationship without your consent, it's not your fault.
But it is time to make choices that serve YOU and prioritize YOUR well-being and best interests.