Things I Wish I’d Known Before the End

Lessons from a Toxic Marriage

Hindsight’s a funny thing, isn’t it?

You spend years telling yourself that things will get better, that you're just going through a rough patch, that *this* is what marriage looks like.

But then, when it all falls apart, suddenly, everything becomes clear.

The things you ignored, the behaviors you excused, the boundaries you let slide—they all stack up, and you wonder how you didn’t see it sooner.

I was in that place for longer than I care to admit, but now that I’m on the other side, there are a few things I wish I’d known back then.

Maybe they can help you if you’re stuck in that same fog.

1. Love Shouldn’t Hurt or Control

Love isn’t supposed to make you feel small.

It shouldn’t make you question your worth or leave you walking on eggshells. But when you’re in it, it’s easy to believe that the control and manipulation are just part of the package.

I spent years thinking his constant frustration and anger at me meant I was falling short, not realizing he was upset because I hadn't magically met unrealistic expectations he had never even communicated.

Spoiler: that’s not love.

Love is supposed to feel safe, like a partnership.

Not like a tug-of-war where one person always has to win.

If your partner is changing the rules to suit their own needs, as I discussed in When One Partner Unilaterally Changes Relationship Rules for Their Own Selfish Wants, it's a sign of control, not love.

2. Boundaries Aren’t Optional

I wish I’d understood this sooner: boundaries aren’t selfish, and they’re not negotiable.

For too long, I let him push past every boundary I tried to set.

I told myself it was compromise, that this is what people do when they love each other—they bend.

But there’s a difference between bending and breaking, and I broke.

Boundaries are a way of protecting yourself, and anyone who doesn’t respect them doesn’t respect *you*.

Learning to prioritize yourself, as I explored in The Power of Saying No: Prioritizing Yourself in Midlife, is key to reclaiming your sense of worth.

3. You Can’t Change Them

Oh, how I tried.

I thought if I just loved him enough, supported him enough, forgave him enough, he’d finally change.

I wasted so much time believing that I could fix him, or at least fix *us*.

But here’s the truth: change has to come from within, and he never wanted to change.

He was perfectly comfortable with how things were because they worked for him.

Trying to change someone who doesn’t want to be different is like pouring water into a bucket with a hole in it.

No matter how much you give, it’ll never be enough to fill them.

4. Don’t Ignore Glimpses of Red Flag Behavior

At first, there weren’t glaring red flags. He kept those hidden until I was committed.

In the beginning, he was on his best behavior—charming and attentive. But every now and then, there were glimpses of something off—a moment of control, a comment that didn’t sit right. I shrugged them off because they seemed so minor compared to everything else.

But those small signs were a preview of what was to come. Once I was trapped, those glimpses turned into full-blown patterns.

Don’t ignore even the smallest signs of bad behavior. They’re never isolated incidents, and the longer you overlook them, the more they grow.

5. Self-Sacrifice Isn’t Partnership

I gave up so much of myself for him—my career, my time, my dreams.

I told myself it was for *us*.

But looking back, I realize it was all one-sided.

I was doing the sacrificing, and he was reaping the rewards.

That’s not partnership—that’s exploitation.

A real partnership is about both people lifting each other up, not one person giving everything while the other takes.

If you find yourself constantly on the losing end of that deal, it’s not love; it’s control.

6. Healing Isn’t Linear, But It’s Worth It

Leaving wasn’t easy, and neither is healing.

Some days, it feels like I’m taking two steps forward and one step back.

But here’s the thing: every step forward, no matter how small, is progress.

I’ve had to rediscover who I am outside of that relationship, and it’s been messy, but I’m getting there.

Healing isn’t a straight line, but it’s worth every stumble and misstep.

Every day I’m a little closer to the person I was before him—the person I was always meant to be.

And that’s something no one can take away from me again.

For more practical advice on recovery, check out my 18 Self-Care Strategies to Help You Recover from Betrayal Trauma post.

***

I didn’t write this to say, “I told you so,” or to wallow in the past.

I’m writing this because I know there are others who might still be in the thick of it, just like I was. If that’s you, just know: it doesn’t have to be this way.

You don’t have to wait until you’re on the other side to start seeing the truth.

You deserve love that doesn’t hurt.

You deserve boundaries that are respected.

And you deserve to be in a relationship where both people give, not just one.

Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.